Pretending Not to Know

Copyright ©2004 by Don Blohowiak
Don@LeadWell.com http://www.LeadWell.com/

A really good question calls your mind to full attention. It creates a vacuum that demands to be filled. And prepares you for a great learning experience.

Here's one of the most powerful questions I have ever encountered: What am I pretending not to know?

• someone close to you needs your attention or help
• a relationship, or job, you're in is not fulfilling, or maybe even not good for you
• your priorities are out of synch with your stated values
• you've offended someone
• you're being unfair to yourself or someone who trusts you
• an employee you recently hired after careful consideration isn't going to succeed in the job
• you left a store with an item for which you weren't charged
• a new plan, process or product isn't going to perform nearly as well as you expected
• you don't really deserve the credit you've been given for a success created by others
• you resent (and treat shabbily) a talented colleague—perhaps a peer, or someone on your staff or even in your family
• your habits are negatively impacting your physical health
• your skills are out of date
• you declare, "it's not my fault"
  

Perception Deception

Pretending not to know doesn't necessarily mean that you are putting on an act for others. Just as likely, you are effectively misleading or deceiving your own self.

That begs this question: Why would any of us appear not to know something that should be plainly obvious to us—and probably is apparent to everyone else around us?

Self-deception is, in a (compound) word, self-protection.

Pretending not to know is a shield we hide behind. We're trying to avoid suffering awareness of a painful truth.

Pretending not to know does not make you a bad person. (By the way, it honestly was very easy to compile that list of pretenses above because someone I know very well—me—has at one time or another pretended not to know about almost all of these situations in his life.)

Experiencing blind spots about your own behavior, usually means you are a normal, fallible human. Taken to extremes, of course, denying uncomfortable aspects of your life can have terrible consequences. Problems denied are problems not addressed. Not solved. They are problems that will fester and likely worsen.

Ever pretend not to notice a dripping faucet?

Countering The Counterfeit

Here are some very practical tactics for getting out of the hole you dig for yourself by pretending not to know.

• Heighten your commitment to being honest with yourself. When you pretend not to know something, you push from your awareness the reality you've encountered. That's usually the result of a very quick, sometimes nearly instantaneous, choice you make.
  
  
• To avoid the impulse to pretend, pay more attention to your own thoughts. Chances are, with some practice, you'll get good at recognizing that little twinge of discomfort or hesitation that your mind uses as a way of mentally sounding an alarm to declare: Something's not right here! By paying attention to such signals, you can overcome the urge to ignore or deny potential problems. And start dealing with them.
  
  
• Ask yourself periodically, What am I pretending not to know? Especially make a point to do that when you are inexplicably irritable or moody or numb, Chances are very good that you already know what you believe you don't know. Get out from under the flimsy cocoon you've constructed to protect you from life's barbs. It can't shield you.
  
  
• Admit what you've been trying to hide from yourself. Face the truth even if it represents a big failing on your part. Forgive yourself. Look square in the eye the reality that you'd prefer to ignore or deny. Then cast your hair shirt to the side and get to work addressing your unfinished business.
  
  
• Ask others to help you. We all have blind spots. Others often clearly see what we cannot or will not. To encourage others to show you what you're not seeing, invite—and genuinely welcome—candid feedback. Receive the gift of candor with gratitude, not defensiveness or punishment for the messenger.
  

Parting Thought

It can be hard to open your eyes to what you don't want to see. But invariably, squarely recognizing the foibles you'd prefer to ignore is far less painful in the long run than the consequences of pretending not to know.

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Don Blohowiak, a management consultant and popular conference speaker, is the author of several business books. The executive director of the Lead Well® Institute in Princeton, NJ, he may be reached at http://www.LeadWell.com/.

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Copyright © 2005, Don Blohowiak, Lead Well Institute

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